Family fundamentals

It was an amazing feeling to constantly answer my ringing phones on my birthday last month. Sometimes it is such un-quantifiable acts of affection that remind us of how large our TRUE family is! Thank YOU family!

I have a pretty large family and I thank god (and my grandparents) for that. The way my parents and their siblings were raised is another factor to thank. If I am fond of my cousins and my extended family it is because of the way I have been raised and because of the way they have been too.

Relationships of any kind are a two way street. I don’t think it is possible to hold onto any relation when you don’t get the same kind of reciprocation. Some connect faster, stronger or maybe last longer than even with immediate family eg: with your mentor(guru), an old classmate, a fellow traveller


I think one would be lucky to be born into a pretty large family but luckier to be born into one like mine. I am sure there are people with larger families but I think it also matters when all the relations are genuinely maintained. Any relation needs to be constantly worked on. This is a mantra for making successful marriages. But I think it holds true for other relations too. Be it with friends, cousins, siblings, uncles & aunts, grandparents or even parents for that matter, unless we stay well connected one can tend to feel distant or out of the loop over time.

Family gatherings make a great place to actually feel the oneness. The last of my paternal cousins will be getting married in December and all of us are pretty excited and looking forward to getting together. The music seems more melodious, the flowers look prettier, the photographs look complete and the fun seems multifold when the family is complete. Despite the tensions and anxieties of the event planning and execution, it is probably going to be the best opportunity to spend time together as one whole big family. The travel plans are on a global scale and things are already getting to the execution stages for many of us.

We were a lucky lot to have our great grandparents alive to see each an every one of the fifteen great grand children. We’ve spent many of our summers in our ancestral home. The simplicity of our life then perhaps makes those memories even fonder. I think it is also those special moments, which make us still want to stay in touch with the ever growing family. I am thankful to have had such a childhood. I doubt if my children or their cousins would ever get such pleasures. Unless I make the effort to stay connected with my cousins and my efforts are reciprocated, my children would hardly be aware of what it actually means to be “cousins”.

I recently got hooked on the GENI tree. The tree has been growing pretty steadily and is having a lot of activity happening on it. I am excited to think of following it in the months and years to come to see how far back we are able to go and retrace our ancestral routes. It is interesting to note that someone has a business model built on the basic family tree concept.

Corporates spend a lot on Relationship Building and Relationship Management in terms of time and money. I think it should be a lot easier if we could apply some of the same principles when it comes to maintaining our personal relationships. It is an irony that mankind has come a full circle if we are to take examples from work life to personal life applications!!! Undoubtedly life is far different from what it was twenty years ago. There is no harm in taking lessons from what we watched as we grew. At the end of the day, it is after all our family and friends that makes life more meaningful.

I thank my brain.

My daughter and I had a disagreement ( this is probably the beginning of things to come...she is only a couple of months away from turning four!!!). She said "Amma you are the great bad girl" . It was probably her best pick in her derogatory vocabulary to describe how she felt about me. I think she was trying to say "the worst".  I probably enraged her when instead of being offended i burst out laughing. I just couldn't help it.

Amazing how the brain develops language skills. A year ago when she had just joined pre-KG the teacher remarked on her poor grasp of the English language ( Tamil is our mother tongue). Now she is in LKG and her teacher appreciates her story telling abilities( completely in english, enacted and with sound effects I believe). Just a year and such a huge difference. 

My 20 month old son rushes to me one day and says "Push" in a complaining tone . I ask him "who pushed you?". He dramatically says "Akka" . The following day they were apparently playing the same rough games and he comes running once again. This time he says" Amma, akka push". I thought that was an impressive progress over a day. From a single word he had learnt to frame his sentence.

My daughter loves music and I play a lot of music too especially Hindi music. I find her picking up a new language thanks to the tracks playing in the background. She pays attention to the songs she specially likes and stops me in between asking for the meaning of the key words to understand what the musician means. The next time she hears it , she promptly comes up to me and reminds me of the meaning!!!

On the other hand, when i read, hear or come across people with memory loss related illnesses I feel so bad and helpless.  I was shocked to learn about memory loss related illnesses that can make you forget basic things such as turning off the tap or even opening a door! The very same brain that had years ago performed amazingly can just decide to take a break and totally break down our life!

In this whole process I find it very fascinating how the human brain has the amazing power to learn and to then sadly forget how much we have actually worked to get to where we are today! 

Lets just appreciate ourselves for all what we are, what we know, even the simple everday activities and say "Thank you brain!!".

Luxury to be a stay at home mom.

Picking strewn toys, calming my screaming toddler, feeding a 20 month and simultaneously fixing puzzles with a three year old might not exactly sound like "luxury" on the first instance but let me explain. Not having to worry about keeping my job or worrying about a promotion or my next raise and just being able to be a full time mommy is certainly a luxury in today's times. When I was growing it was uncommon to have working moms. But for todays kids its a luxury for them and the mom to stay at home!

I am very lucky that my plans of life have actually work. I had always imagined myself to be one to be a full time mom once I had my kids planned out. I am lucky my husband thought on the same lines. I am lucky we could afford to stick to the decision. I am lucky I did not change my mind!

As a child, my happiest moment of the day would be to head home from school to be welcomed by my ever fragrant , ever smiling , ever cuddly mother with her warm hug. It is priceless for me to be able to drop and pick my daughter from school hearing all she has to say about the spilt paint, the applause for her enactment, the mischief that she and her friends got into . I feel like a miracle healer when my kisses work wonders on my 20 month old's bruises, or like Picasso when my 3 year old applauds the pictures that I paint for her, like Sanjeev Kapoor when my daughter shrieks in excitement seeing my okra dish. I feel like a million dollar mom!

I cringe when i realize how fast my babies are growing up. I am just so glad i can actually watch every minute they grow and be an integral part of this early, precious episode of their lives that has no re-runs!

Its certainly a luxury in today's day and age.

How we can contribute to improving the nation

The size of educated Indian families seem to be drastically shrinking.The single child population is growing rapidly especially among the educated class. Why is that our generation has become so selfish and lost its ability to look into the future and see our societal responsibilities of contributing to increase the size of the educated population?

One of the arguments given by the pro-single child parents is that they can give all the material and emotional benefits to the child and not have to "split it" between the children. Material benefits is something entirely parent defined. If I think my child should be wearing branded apparel and have the latest gizmo's in their collection and be the ones to have "everything" that i think is "everything" then its only another kind of bad parenting and not ideal parenting. As far as the emotional quotient goes, with experience i can vouch that it can NEVER be "divided" or "split". It somehow miraculously multiplies.

On the other hand think about the benefits of providing siblings for our children. Its a self learning process for children and parents. Its a huge support system that they need once we as parents are out of the scene. Think about how they can learn to care and share through passive learning. Think about family gatherings (even if its the bollywood style!) ...more the merrier is the motto. Think about the times when the children find their partners and their new found family, they are bound to have at least a couple of moments in life when they would wish for the presence or support from their side of the family. Think about the space you get once the kids reach an age of semi independence. Believe me, whether its playtime, fight time, arguments or anything at all, they have their siblings for company and that certainly gives you some space(contrary to the belief that more kids implies less personal time)!

I certainly have bouncing board in my brother,though we live in two separate continents. I KNOW that when its the need of the hour he is there for me and my family. I cherish my childhood memories and most of them include him.

As such Indian population is expanding, but not proportionately enough to compensate for the increasing population in the lower and uneducated strata. I think its definitely to be considered a social responsibility to contribute towards making the nation a more educated one by increasing the population of this sector.

To those still considering on increasing the family size, I would say no second thoughts just go for it. At the end of the day it is all worth the effort you would be putting. To those closed to the idea , I would say, c'mon at least keep your windows open....

Be kind than right

There is a saying that goes “Be kind than right”. I think it’s a great saying. But do I get to practice it….perhaps not as much as I should. But I certainly do think a lot about it time and again. I think its an effort to be Kind. Its not with intention that one is unkind, but more the instinct to be right that makes one unkind

What is being right? Who defines being right or wrong? It’s a relative term after all. As a mother I may take the liberties in defining what is right and wrong for my children. But for how long can I do that? At three, one may think its just fine to be digging into the garden mud to help out a struggling worm . But at 30 , it would be disgusting and “wrong” to do something so “unhygenic’! At 30, I might refuse to forgive someone who might have hurt me. At 60, my mom would think I am being so ‘wrong” not be able to forgive. I think that kind of relativity continues until perhaps some kind of enlightenment!!!

For my nature, when I am in a confrontation I can never get to have the outburst that I might like to!!! I tend to hold back and perhaps have a more internal conversation. As post analysis I keep wondering if I should have said something to prove my point. Perhaps staying silent is not a very effective way of making a point!!!! On the other hand, people who tend to “speak their mind” have often expressed regret about spilt words.

I heard an interesting view from Dr. Wayne Dyer, a great inspirational speaker, that one of the ways to reduce mental stress is to condition ourselves with a saying that goes “ What someone else thinks of me is none of my business”. He says it will help us overcome many obstacles we tend to face. The key word here is “mind conditioning” It’s a time consuming process before one can efficiently make use of it. After all man is a social animal always looking for appreciation and acceptance in the society.

But I guess finally variety of personalities is what makes the world interesting!